Earlier in the evening we had gone to my parent's house to Skype my grandmother. My dear cousin Oresti organised this for us. We all gathered around the computer anxiously waited to see our loved ones in South Africa. Eventually we managed to connect the call and I came face to face with my beloved grandmother after not seeing her for over ten years.
My beautiful, strong and dynamic grandmother who at 97 is a testament to who I aspire to be. She is a fantastic cook, nurturing mother and grandmother as well as a great grandmother to 11 grandchildren. An inspirational business woman, who still manages to conduct business at her age, she continues to drive a car and lives on her own at 97!
I looked at my grandmother and all my fond childhood memories came flooding back. Good times spent climbing on the tall rocks in her back garden and throwing "mud pies" into the neighbours pool. Fantastic experiences baking and cooking with her in the kitchen. She was the Yiayia that loved to sing to me, spoil me, indulge me, nurture me and to top it all off NEVER smack me!
There are so many qualities that I see in her that match me. To say we are both stubborn is an understatement! Yiayia is strong willed and determined and I am proud to say that I have her name!
Finally seeing her again I was reminded of how much love I have for her and what a profound effect she had on my life.
When she spotted Marilena on the screen, she told me that I have a beautiful daughter. In that moment the realisation hit me that I may never again see my Yiayia but with her words the recognition and acknowledgement showed me that the banner has now been handed to the next generation. I have proven myself to my Yiayia and I felt pride in her seeing my daughter and acknowledging me and her saying my daughter is worthy of being part of a strong line of women in our family.
It was a brief conversation because there were so many of us and I was exhausted and drained from the last round of chemo, so I did not chat for long. But the interaction had a profound impact on me.
When I returned home I sat down in the corner of my cupboard on a low stool and let the tears pour out of me - a cathartic stream of emotion.
- I cried for what is:- 5 months of intense chemo treatments are taking there toll and although I am upbeat most days I recognise that you sometimes need to unburden the soul.
- I cried for what was:- the carefree existence that I lived prior to diagnosis no longer exists - this is the reality now. I will always look over my shoulder and I know even after genetic testing, an inconclusive result will not rule out BRCA1 or BRCA2. Do I have it? Will my children have it? All I can do now is eliminate the risk factor - so more decisions still need to be made.
- I cried for what will never be:- the reality that I may never see my Yiayia again wracked me to the core.
- Finally I cried out of pure exhaustion. I have grown tired of being poked and prodded and this together with the emotion of seeing my loved ones in South Africa sent me spiralling into a whirlpool of raw emotion.
As I cried and heaved I felt strong arms go around me. Johny, my heart and soul was there to comfort me, wipe my tears and help me through this.
Then little Alexa climbed into my lap and hugged me. I look at her and it's like looking into a mirror - her face resembles mine as does her hair. (OK it used to!) Alexa hugged me and told me she loved me.
Finally Marilena appeared and sat on the floor next to me holding my hand. She is the quiet and dependable one, not keen to show much emotion but still very empathetic. She may not look like me she has my personality.
Sitting in the confines of my cupboard with all my tears spent, surrounded by my beautiful family I felt very blessed and loved. After all the negativity and frustration left my body I had place to allow all the love and faith from my loved ones to fill me up and nurture me. The end is in sight, I can get there but it is always the hardest coming up to the finish line.